I’m going to be real with you heteros, I’m worried about you. I can’t imagine what you guys go through everyday not being queer. Without fierce clubs and Jonathon Van Ness, putting on your straight pants each morning must be deeply saddening to say the least.
While I’m sorry you happened to draw the non-gay card in life, it’s no excuse to be fucking stupid. Below are just some of the classic ‘ally’ phrases that warm the cold hearts of LBGTQ+ people.
“I voted yes” – It’s sweet that you want me to know that you gave me a fundamental human right, something that never should have been the subject of a public vote. Does an iTunes gift card work as a thank you?
“I don’t care if you’re gay, just don’t try to flirt with me haha” – You heteros, it never fails to amaze me how narcissistic you are. But oh, how clever. Everyone came out just so they can have the experience of unrequited love and potentially a hate crime because of our not-so-secret love of straights. How about you don’t flirt with me Travis, you fucking smell.
“You don’t even seem gay!” – Thank God you told me! If you hadn’t schooled me with your heterosexual audacity, I might have been demoted by the Gay Agenda. I’ll be sure to dust off the stereotypes and ensure my marginalised identity defines me.
“Sometimes I want to give up on men too!” – That’s so good to hear Brenda. I feel so accepted when you conflate my sexuality with an overtly frivolous and hyperbolic expression of patriarchal values. I would encourage you to ‘give up’ on men if not for your internalised misogyny that would make dating women problematic.
“I love bi girls, especially if they invite me to the threesome” – Oh Chad. You’ve hit the nail on the head. Most women are constantly saying how they feel such an absence of straight male energy in their lives, especially if they have the misfortune of dating another woman. Tell me again where the clitoris is. Quickly.
“It was so nice to meet your little friend the other day” – Next time you get married (because let’s be real it’s going to be more than once), in a beautiful church that asks zero questions about your adherence to that religion, with a fabulous cake that no one has ever debated about baking, I’m going to shit in your mouth.
“I’m cool with your decision” – From sashaying out of my mother’s vagina, to that time I decided to go through puberty, it’s nice to know that my choices are being appreciated. After a lifetime of marginalisation and bullying I know it was all worth it because Steve from accounting is cool with it.
“Do you know my friend Mike? He’s also gay. You guys would be so cute together!” – I’m afraid I don’t know Mike but to the question of compatibility, it’s like pairing fine wine with cheese. Except for queer people, growing up in a heteronormative world means it’s more about which personality disorder goes best with my mental illness. Internalised homophobia and toxic masculinity are quite the emotional cocktail.
“Didn’t you used to date men?” – didn’t you used to wake up in the morning and struggle to find things to do because you’re a stay-at-home mother whose children are in their twenties? Didn’t you find yourself habitually glancing at the clock on your stainless steel appliances, wondering if ten in the morning was too early to fish out the cans of G&T? Didn’t you used to pair it with a Xanax or four, just to stop you from looking in the mirror of your palatial ensuite and ask yourself if this is as good as it gets? Oh wait, you still do that Karen.