Words || Katelyn Free
Australian politics is short on a lot of things (effective climate policy, adherence to our international human rights obligations etc), but one thing it is not short on is comedic gold. So, without further ado, let Aunt Grapey take you through a memorial to the funniest random shit Australian politicians have let rip on this poor island nation.
In a moment that was so magical it could only have been devised by the God of AusPol himself, in August this year, after calling for Indigenous leaders to overturn their pending ban on climbing Uluru, Senator Pauline Hanson travelled to the heart of the Australian outback to climb the sacred rock herself.
Except she got stuck halfway up, couldn’t complete the climb and had to scurry back to the bottom, claiming the Indigenous leaders were right- because Uluru was actually too dangerous to climb. Not because it’s a sacred First Nations site. Go figure.
Politicians are like onions?
Back in 2015, as if to prove to the Australian people that he was not in fact a human being, Tony Abbott decided to chomp into an onion from the Tasmanian farm he was visiting at the time. Not too weird till you learn it was a raw onion. Un-chopped. With the skin on. If that doesn’t scream serial killer then I dunno what does. Ivan Millat eat your heart out.
Spreading the Joyce around
In 2018 Barnaby Joyce had a love child with one of his staffers. And proceeded to get her various jobs in federal parliament to kind of cover it up. Enough said really. We want to ponder Barnaby’s bedroom shenanigans as much as the next person…which means…not at all.
A Ruddy business
In 2007 in the lead up to the federal election, Rudd was outed as having visited a New York strip club during a drunken night in 2003, while representing Australia at the United Nations. At the time, Rudd was the shadow foreign affairs minister and travelled to New York at taxpayers’ expense. He literally claimed he couldn’t remember the night because he’d gone too hard on the piss and in a turn of events that should shock absolutely no one- his approval rating went up after the incident.
If anything says respected former prime minister, it’s Bob Hawke’s world record for skolling 1.4 litres of peer (two and a half pints) in 11 seconds when he was a Rhodes scholar at Oxford. Well into his 80s, Hawke was regularly spotted on TV, usually at the cricket, skolling beers. Fucking legend.
‘The suppository of all wisdom’
In 2013 at a Liberal party gathering, the then opposition leader Tony Abbott tried to have a moment of comradeship, showing his humility and down to earth nature. In referencing his own intelligence (mind you this man is a Rhode scholar, onion eating and all), he said “No one, however smart, however well-educated, however experienced…is the suppository of all wisdom”. For those playing at home, a suppository is a solid medical preparation inserted into the rectum or vagina to administer medication. Bit of a bum slip of the tongue if you ask us.
Question time snackaroo
In 2007 Kevin Rudd was caught eating his own ear wax during question time in the federal parliament. There’s really no other way to dice that, so look up the YouTube videos for your own viewing pleasure. It’ll make you feel a lot better about your life choices.
Gone for a dip
Now in what maybe is one of the funniest and strangest occurrences to happen in Australian, and dare we say world, politics- on 17 December 1967, then Prime Minister Harold Holt went for a dip in the ocean near Portsea, Victoria. Except he never came back. Literally lost at sea. His body has never been recovered and the mystery never solved. A world leader murder conspiracy? Not bad AusPol, not bad indeed.