Unsealed: Thou Shalt Not Wank

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Words || Bella Grace

[CW: mentions of religion, Christianity, slut-shaming, sexual assault]

Adolescence is turbulent and scary enough without the influence of religion. We are already feeling uncomfortable with our new array of unfamiliar feelings and desires. However, when you have an entire institution telling you that the inherently natural process of trying to determine your identity is unnatural or sinful, it really does add another layer of confusion to the whole thing.

While most other teenagers were eagerly exploring their identity through alcohol, drugs, and sexual deviancy, I lay awake at night, fearing eternal damnation, believing I was destined for a fiery fate as punishment for trying to figure out who the hell I was. 

When I was thirteen or fourteen, I read the Catechism of the Catholic Church. I was mortified to read that any form of sexual activity that isn’t open to creating new life is gravely sinful. As a young and impressionable tween who had already internalised society’s insistence that women didn’t engage in sexual things like pornography or masturbation, I was instantly ashamed of myself. I quickly began making amends to my sinful behaviour by ignoring all of the thoughts and feelings that came with puberty.

I denied my same-sex attraction, telling myself that it was a consequence of not being close enough with God.

And this thought was reinforced by the people around me. I was asked by a trusted adult whether I had ever been touched inappropriately by any men; they theorised that maybe this was the reason that I was feeling attraction to women.

Or maybe it was that my mother babied me too much, giving me too much emotional intimacy that encouraged a psychological dependence on women. Or could it be that, because I grew up with four older brothers, I was modelling their masculine behaviour and desire for women? Whatever the reason, my identity was always rooted in pathology. Seven years later, I’m still trying to undo the damage that this mindset had on me.

I was always told by my mum that every time you have premarital sex, a part of your soul is broken off and left with that person – like a kind of sexual Horcrux. I believed I would literally only ever have part of my soul to give my future spouse. This filled me with regret years later once I had acquired sexual experiences in which I felt I owed a man my body, or in which I was seeking distraction from the symptoms of chronic mental illness.

It meant that I began my current relationship believing that I only had the worst part of me to offer my partner, the dregs of what was once pure but had since been defiled. I’ve never understood why a man’s sexual history is held up as a trophy, while women are expected to be virginal yet still sexually appealing. Women are expected to be ‘good’ at sex without people knowing how we got to be ‘good’ at it in the first place. We are permitted our sexuality in a performative context, for the sake of others’ enjoyment.

But to embrace our sexuality for ourselves? For our own pleasure, autonomy, or expression? That is when we are draped in slurs that drip with shame and ugliness. 

The puritanical approach to women’s sexuality that I was raised with, along with what I frequently witness in the media, has meant that I still often feel ashamed by my body. Even aspects that aren’t inherently sexual, like nipples, thighs, or shoulders.

I’m tired of covering up my skin to make others comfortable. I’m tired of worrying that I will intimidate men by being confident in my sexual identity and interests. I am still working off years of negativity towards my own body, and although this involves a non-linear trajectory of progressions and regressions, I know the process is worth it.

I deserve to feel at home in my body.

I refuse to hand the ownership of my body over to society, to men, or even God. And it scares me to say that. There’s still a vulnerable part of me that fears for my ‘salvation’. But I’m trying to leave that fear behind, not just for freedom from shame, but for more than that. I want active self-love; I want assertive boundary-setting; I want confident sexual expression.

Women deserve all of that and more.

CON-FESS UP

“One of my fondest memories is of fucking my ex girlfriend in the bathroom of a pub. She’s queefing the entire time, and we just ended up giggling together because she was queefing.” – Anonymous

“I came out to my first boyfriend as bi about a year into the relationship. I noted that while I did love him, I was sad because I never really got to explore my attraction to girls because we were monogamous. At the time he said a threesome would be hot, however after I made a passing comment about one of his friends being cute, he got jealous and paranoid, and said that I would leave him for this girl if we did have a threesome. I broke up with him 18 months later to date a different girl and a guy (my current partner). I confessed my attraction to the original girl and had that threesome with my current boyfriend the end lmao.” – Anonymous

SEND YOUR SEXY, SASSY OR SAUCY CONFESSIONS TO GRAPESHOTUNSEALED.TUMBLR.COM

QUESTION TIME

“This is literally so embarrassing but…. I can’t fit it. I can’t fit his dick in. It’s not even that large – it just won’t go in! What do I do?” – Tiny hole 

Dear Tiny, 

There are plenty of explanations for this, and most of them are perfectly fine and normal! Despite what most cis guys will have you believe, it’s extremely rare for a dick to not fit because it’s too large. Most of the time there’s another reasonable explanation, which can be sorted easily in one of the following ways:

  1. LUUUUUUBE. I don’t know which hole you’re trying to stick it in, Tiny, but self-slicking or not: lube is your best friend, ESPECIALLY if this is the first time you’re trying to have penetrative sex in this hole! Get things nice and slippery for both him and yourself before you try and ram anything up there. 
  2. RELAX. It is totally normal for sex to be kinda intimidating. We’re sweaty, we’re horny, we’re probably naked – and we’re trying to look good, feel good and take care of someone else all at the same time. So, Tiny, stop. Breathe. Take five. Make sure you’re feeling good and mellow!
  3. FOREPLAY. Have you guys been prepping you enough? Our holes might be elastic, but they need some good love and stretching before we can insert anything large in them. You should be stretching your hole of choice out with 3 or more fingers before you’re attempting anything larger or more solid. (Also, get him to go down on you. It won’t help the elasticity, but it’ll help you relax and it’ll make me feel better). 
  4. SWITCH IT UP. If and when you’ve done all of the above and things still aren’t working? Try switching your positioning up. Find a new angle and position that you can give it a go in! 

That’s all for now!

Jas

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