The Taste of Pleasure

0
373

Words || Georgia Drewe

For as long as there has been food and fucking, there have been pervading notions of aphrodisiac foods; food that, when consumed, increase the sexual appetite and make the act itself more pleasurable. Oysters, chocolate, strawberries, asparagus, shark fin, avocado, figs; the list goes on. 

I am a woman of science, mostly. Kind of. Not really, but I’ve watched a few documentaries about space while high, so I’m basically a doctor. As a self-appointed REAL SCIENTIST, I couldn’t let these claims go untested. Can foods put you in the mood? Will oysters make you… Moister? ON TO THE SCIENCE! 

To better understand what exactly it is I’m looking for in my food-based atrocities in the name of science, I reached out to a legit neuroscience wizard from Macquarie’s own glowing MRes program, to shed some light on what aphrodisiacs actually are:

“Sexual attraction in humans has many layers; it’s multi-faceted, environmental, and complicated. Generally, aphrodisiacs can work in two ways; by enhancing feelings of sexual desire in the mind, or by stimulating desire affecting parts of the body. Arousal is highly suggestible, so even thinking a food will make you aroused might cause it to have the effect.  The act of having a lover feed you oysters, or chocolate covered strawberries as part of a romantic dinner could also get you in the mood, but it would probably be the context of the romance, rather than the foods themselves. Sometimes certain foods get thrown in the ‘aphrodisiac,’ box because they resemble genitalia, like asparagus or oysters. While the placebo effect can be powerful, there isn’t sufficient evidence to prove categorically that eating certain foods makes the body more receptive to sexual attraction.”

Insufficient evidence you say, science wizard? Fear not, horny evidence enthusiasts! Let’s get testing! 

Method: 

For this definitely real and totally valid experiment, I’ve decided to test some of the best known and most commonly rumoured aphrodisiacs; chocolate, strawberries, oysters, and Kate Bush’s cover of the Marvin Gaye song ‘Sexual Healing.’  As I don’t believe in moderation, we will be consuming ludicrous quantities of all of them. 

The substance will be assessed on their effectiveness in raising libido, which we’re determining by good old-fashioned self-assessment because I don’t have an MRI machine and the hospital was INCREDIBLY RUDE when I called and asked to borrow theirs. We’re rating libido on a scale of 1-10, Rate your current libido on a scale of 1-10; 1 being ‘not thinking about sex at all’ and 10 being ‘so uncomfortably aroused you’re planning to head into the bathroom at work for a sneaky wank.’

To make it more reliable, I enlisted the help of several friends to create a wider test pool which I have lovingly dubbed my HORNY SCIENCE FAIRIES. Thanks a million, guys. 

Results: 

Oysters: 

Science Fairy #1: 

Prior to consumption, my pulse is at 70bpm and my libido is at a standard 4/10. Upon ingesting the slimy shell beast, I felt my libido drop to a solid zero. I texted my partner, “I’m sorry, this is the end for us. I may never love again.” 

After consuming 10 oysters, my body physically rebelled, and I barfed oyster into the kitchen sink in full view of my family. The experience of consuming an oyster is like slurping on an eggshell full of cum that’s been left in the fridge. That may be some person’s fetish, but it’s definitely not mine. 

Science Fairy #2:

My Libido is at a 1.5/10, pulse rate 80bpm. This tin of smoked oysters was bought for my late grandmother, which means they’ve been in the cupboard since at least 2017. As I opened the packet and saw not 2, not 5, but 10 oysters, I had a sudden rush of clairvoyance. Today was not destined to be a good day. 

I can’t believe I’m going to die for Grapeshot. 

10 minutes on, libido is solidly in the negatives. 0/10 is being generous. My pulse is at 80bpm, but I feel dead inside. 

One hour on: While I have plateaued, I feel the world grow cold, lonely, and empty. The only love is that of cruel fate to my suffering. I did not experience an increase in libido. I fear I never will again. 

Science Fairy #3: 

10 grams: Satisfaction substantially reduced. Heart rate spiked due to disgust. Desire for sex increased for sake of distraction from taste. Discovery that oysters taste exactly like swallowing a cumshot that has been cooled and begun to coagulate.

100 grams: Hatred both external and internal. Heart rate heavily spiked. Desire for sex and for all joys of life zero. This experiment is morally and spiritually unsound.

1 kilogram: No.

Conclusion: Oysters are an active detriment to the libido and there is no God. 

Strawberries: 

Science Fairy #4: 

Consumed an entire kilogram of strawberries. Pulse rate is at 70bpm, libido is at a 2/10. My tummy is rumbling and my mouth tastes like acid. Also, there’s a seed stuck in my teeth and it won’t! Get! Out!

10 minutes on, and I’m feeling surprisingly energetic. Not overwhelmingly ‘aroused’ in the strictest sense, but I feel like if a sexy situation arose (heh) I’d be in the right state to fully embrace it. I feel like I could enthusiastically consent to some fucking. I’m vaguely wet too so I guess that’s a bonus! Pulse at 72bpm, libido at a 6? Maybe a 7, could go for a cheeky Hitachi.

One hour on, while eating that many strawberries is probably bad for you in the immediate short term, — considering how vaguely unwell I felt watching YouTube for 1 hour afterward — now that I’m here I feel actually pretty good. I feel active and aware of my surroundings. My resting heart rate didn’t change and I’m not sweaty or clammy or any of the other signs of arousal, but I also wouldn’t turn down my partner if they started making out with me and would in fact even consider topping, which as a usually reluctant and mediocre top is saying something. In conclusion, I guess you could do worse than eating some choc-dipped strawberries to get you into the bone zone. 

Science Fairy #2:

My libido is a 0/10. I’m going straight to this from the oysters. I can only pray it restores my faith in existence. 

After the oyster taste for over an hour, it took about 8 seconds for me to funnel the entire punnet inside me. I may have swallowed one whole. I have seen the face of God. 

10 mins: Feeling hopeful, for the first time in years. After unhinging my jaw and deep throating the strawberries, I feel orgasmic. Pulse rate at 88bpm and libido is 6/10. An hour on, and my libido is surprisingly high, like a 9/10. Perhaps it was the post-oyster depression over-correcting, but I’m no longer convinced I’ll die alone. Warmth has returned to my life. I hear the birds sing once more. Fuck, strawberries are sexy.

Science Fairy #3: 

10 grams: Slight satisfaction in finally managing to slice exactly 10gms of strawberry. Heart rate normal. Desire for sex slightly increased due to sense of victory. Mild finger damage due to knife use.

100 grams: Satisfaction normal. Heart rate normal. Desire for sex slightly reduced on realisation I don’t actually like strawberries.

1 kilogram: Discontent at magnitude of strawberries ingested. Heart rate normal. Desire for sex substantially reduced by queasiness. This is, objectively, too many strawberries.

Science Fairy #1: 

Resting pulse rate 76bpm and my libido’s feeling like a 3/10. A herculean task lies before me.

10 minutes into eating an entire kilogram of strawberries, and my god, that’s a lot of strawberries. Just… So many. Can I move? I don’t think I can move. I still have one punnet to go. Death before dishonour! I feel kind of great though. Like I could be a powerful dominatrix queen. I could top anybody. I am powerful. Fetch me my whip. Libido is a cheerful 7/10.

An hour on, I’m just going to lie down on the ground and let the berries claim me. What hath heaven wrought. 

Conclusion: Apparently ingesting mass amounts of strawberries can bring out your inner dom. Gonna give strawberries a tentative “maybe they work?” With a strong reminder to adhere to moderation. 

Chocolate: 

Science Fairy #3: 

10 grams: No changes detected. Heart rate comparable. Desire for sex remains at background level. Kind of want more chocolate.

100 grams: General feeling of satisfaction. Heart rate slightly slower due to chocolate relaxation. Desire for sex remains at background level. No further desire for chocolate.

1 kilogram: Distinct feeling of gut churn. Heart rate somewhat higher, possibly in test pattern for presumed future heart attack. Desire for sex reduced due to fear of vomiting. Desire for specifically no further chocolate.

Science Fairy #2: 

Eating all this sugar after everything else may just kill me. If I die, do not mourn. This was a glorious death. Except for those oysters, fuck those oysters. Or… Don’t fuck those oysters, but like, fuck those oysters. 

10 minutes on, my libido’s at an 8 or 9/10. Still in a sexual mood, but all the chocolate has me kind of gross feeling. I imagine it would be better as, say, a syrup or a sauce, dribbled luxuriously along a rigid… Okay yeah solid 10/10. 

One hour on, I’ve slowed to a pleasant 8/10. Eating an entire block of chocolate feels luxurious but nasty. Like ratchet nasty. Like the feeling you get after you’ve just cum to some Avant Garde hentai NASTAY. The afterglow is nice though, and you get used to the shame. 

Science Fairy #4: 

I have an entire block of dark chocolate and no will to live —thanks, oysters. Time to fucking shine. 

10 minutes on, I’m sick but FEELING IT. My libido has jumped from a 2/10 to a 9/10, and I’m feeling like I could vomit at any time, but that’s not going to stop me. Fuck it, I’ll vom on a dick. I don’t give a FUCK. 

An hour on, and I believe I may be invincible. I have never known such highs of sugar euphoria. I could fight a bear. Rob a bank. I can no longer rate my libido as I have transcended the need for sex itself. Also, I can’t find my pulse. Am I dead? 

Kate Bush’s cover of Marvin Gaye’s ‘Sexual Healing.’ 

Science Fairy #1: 

Am I pregnant now? I think I’m pregnant. 

Science Fairy #2: 

It took 11 seconds of this song for me to begin ejaculating, and there is no end in sight.

10 minutes on, my pulse is at 184bpm, libido 16/10. Feeling like I cannot bring myself to stop listening to this song since I began, and the physical reactions have not abated. I have begun to lose feeling in my extremities. I can only hope this song will become tedious over time and I can enter recovery.

1 hour on. Pulse 210bpm. Libido: Beyond the ken of mortal man. The song has not become tedious. I fear that, even if it soon does, I no longer have the strength in my still draining body to pull out the earphones. So many liquids have exited me that I suspect Kate Bush could end the drought crisis with a new album. My body has run out of liquid so completely that it has begun jizzing my vitreous humors, and I have become blind. I can no longer move my limbs or raise my head. Still I do not wish to stop listening. I am dictating this now, to my soon to be mourning family. I believe this to be my last will and testament. To Georgia, for the gift of a death by science, I give contempt, and my vast collection of animated porn. To my family, I leave a house that is permanently stained by my sins. To the world I leave a warning. Kate Bush is too powerful. Beware.

Science Fairy #3: 

10 grams: Moderate dissatisfaction; distinct feeling of fearful shame. Distinct stringy texture. Heart rate increased due to fear of discovery. Desire for sex slightly increased by feelings of transgression but significantly reduced by suspicion of profound moral wrongness. Screaming has begun.

100 grams: Intense dissatisfaction at progress of experiment. Heart rate maximal as police chase continues into second hour. Desire for sex enhanced by fear of discovery. Desire to elude arrest enhanced by proximity of armed officers.  

1 kilogram: Experiment aborted due to detainment.

Conclusion: This song is the single most potent aphrodisiac known to humankind. I should have made the instructions for that task much, much clearer.