Things I wish I knew about sex before I did the Devil’s tango

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Words || Beatrix Wilson

There are a few things I know about sex that I learned from porn or erotic books, but honestly, there’s a whole lot of stuff they inconveniently left out. I didn’t get the intimate talk from my parents, or from school. For both of those, it was the technical “The penis is inserted into the vagina,” and “Babies are made when the sperm meets the egg and they combine”. That told me what went where. It didn’t tell me anything else.
The intimate details on orgasms, what they were, what they looked like, how to pleasure myself and my significant other, I learned mostly through trial and error. This isn’t a ‘how-to’ manual, rather its just all the shit those books and porn missed out on that I wished they didn’t.

All women orgasm from penetration

I know not all porn is comprised of this, but a significant aspect of porn is. That is where the women literally just come from penetration alone. While it isn’t completely wrong, it isn’t exactly right either. Some women do come from penetration alone, others require a bit more stimulation. I went through the experience of having sex and not coming with just penetration all the time. I’ve come from penetration and other times I needed a bit more stimulation.

Semen has an interesting taste.

So, in porn, head is given and then cum is swallowed and the rhetorical question is asked “Does it taste good?” or “You like that?”. I do get that it would be said in the heat of the moment, but I wanted to answer that question for those wanting to know but didn’t want to ask. Some women may like the taste, some don’t, and others don’t really mind. Me, I find it interesting. Sometimes it’s sweet and other times it salty and I like the surprise. On my first time, I had no idea what to expect but from all the porn reactions, I figured it might taste as sweet candy or sugar. The actresses big and seductive smiles never told me otherwise. I probably should have expected something different.

The consistency based on the white gooeyness isn’t what it seems. It’s pretty normal in terms of what people normally drink. It’s a bit like milk! Though it’s not as sweet. Sometimes it’s salty and other times it’s bitter. Overall, I think it’s interesting because there isn’t much of a way I can describe it! But as a fun fact, eating certain foods can change the taste a bit. I got to compare Pizza and pineapple a new way.

Toilet after sex

This one sounds like common sense, however to me, it was not. In the books I’ve read and the porn I’ve read and seen, I didn’t really see anyone go to the toilet. In fact, in the books, the ladies and laddies go straight to sleep. Then wake up the next morning and have sex again. So, I thought real life would be the same. It was not. I tell you now, the toilet is pretty much your next best friend after sex, condom or not. Peeing flushes you out in a sense, and lowers your risk of contracting a UTI. So, boy and girls, go to the toilet after sex. Otherwise, I fear that you may have a painful learning curve.

Queefing and Body farts.

Queefing is something I had no idea about until it happened. For those who are unaware of what it is, queefing is a vagina fart. Which was funny and unexpected. So queefing is when air rushes into the cavity of the vagina and is then suddenly forced out and it sounds like farting. I’ve pushed the air out myself by muscle clenching, and that was a weird experience! This also usually occurs in certain positions, if you catch my drift. This is also something I didn’t know about from any of my sources! No book, no movie, and no porn! I was completely left in the dark! It is almost as if there was no realism in these things! Though I will admit, leaving the dude’s dick in after sex was a bit odd for me.
And the other thing is the body farts. That was also unexpected. In sex scenes in movies, the bodies are always so smooth, there’s no sweat and there is the image that skin is gliding along skin. Books were pretty much the same as movies and as for porn, there isn’t much intimacy there anyway. Which, while it looks cool, it isn’t what always happens. Sex = sweat most of the time and then two sweaty bodies rub together. Air gets caught and fart happens!

The Cleanup

Now, this one is an absolute pet peeve of mine. Even though I now know what’s going on and what to do about it, I still am a bit pissed I didn’t know from the beginning. So, ladies and gentlemen, once you have reached that stage of trust with your partner to have naked sex, and been tested, and you’ve got preventive methods for not having kids: this is the number one thing I wished I knew. After all the awesome, hot and pleasurable sex, there is clean up. CLEAN UP! All that sperm that was just shot out? Yeah, that doesn’t stay up in there. No, dear readers, it follows gravity and comes straight back down and out!
I didn’t know this. The bed sheets were the unfortunate casualty of this learning curve. Why wasn’t this in anything I’d ever seen! In porn, the dudes have sex and then come, and they come on her face. Or someone else takes their turn. There wasn’t any mention of clean up! And books! Books are the worst! The man comes in the lady and they just sleep. It’s almost as if it all magically goes to the uterus to stay. It’s so gloopy it doesn’t move, or the best explanation: it’s magically not there anymore! Another thing I found out, don’t laugh! Bad move! The take away from this was, don’t laugh, have a towel and lots of tissues. I guarantee you are going to need it. I sure as heck did!

Sex has to be serious

I’m saving the best till last. Sex doesn’t have to be serious. In books, movies, and pornos, sex is always this serious and sensual thing. Not saying it isn’t sensual, but it doesn’t have to be that way. You can laugh and have fun! Something weird happens to the both of you and it’s just so unexpected that you laugh. There’s nothing wrong with that! Pretty much all of this on the list, me and my partner, laughed about! It was weird, bizarre and funny!

TL:DR This is the guide on “what I wished to know about sex” that nobody asked for.