Undercover: Over the Hump

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Words || Max Lewis

Losing your virginity is very highly regarded for something that is almost always awful in some way. You get so much anxiety and pressure leading up to it, and for what? It only really gets good around the fifth time when you actually know what the hell you’re doing – or was that just me? My point is; what if there was a way for me to lose my virginity again without the pressure of having to actually physically do it? Without my stupid fleshy body getting in the way, without the fear of my lil’ guy not being up to the task, and without the worry of pregnancy or STD’s?

Turns out, there’s a way for me to get my end away via the aptly titled SECOND LIFE. SECOND LIFE is a free-to-play experience that allows users to create an ‘avatar’ and explore a virtual world. There are countless stories of users finding love and even getting married within SECOND LIFE. What intrigued me, though, was the more ‘adult’ side of SECOND LIFE, where users can get down and dirty in all manner of weird ways. I’d read many bizarre stories and seen even weirder videos about users’ experiences with this side of SECOND LIFE, so I thought I’d dip my wick and try it for myself.

My one goal was to get laid, and to achieve this I would have to roleplay as someone who doesn’t find the entire idea of SECOND LIFE vaguely disturbing. To this end, I created a relatively normal looking dude that looked as close as I could get to my look with five minutes of tweaking. My search for sexual fulfillment took me to many strange environments, most of which make you pay money to achieve literally anything. After almost an hour of searching to no avail, I found a hub titled ‘SYN CITY – URBAN’. When I arrived, a sign at my feet pointed north, sayingz “QUICK SEX THIS WAY!” Don’t mind if I do! The arrows led to what looked like a large warehouse with a single couch, a stripper pole, and two players. One, HawkeyeNelson, was dressed as Deadpool for no apparent reason, and the other, RandomThespian was dancing to absolute silence.

Before long a user named MoonlightPanda wandered in. Wearing a flowing white dress that matched her white hair, she took a seat on the opposite end of the couch. Serendipity! Clicking on everything like a baby boomer using Internet Explorer, I somehow brought up a menu called ‘ROADY’S BIKER BAR – COUCH – ADULT’ which was filled with different sitting animations. I clicked one called ‘LOUNGE1’. MoonlightPanda zipped over to my lap and, apparently showing she was comfortable with everything, removed her top. I was totally in!

Maxjlewis: what brings you here moonlight :)
MoonlightPanda: i was supposed to meet Viktor
Maxjlewis: i don’t mind taking his place ;)
RandomThespian: max and moonlight are totally a couple
MoonlightPanda: we aren’t together, sadly

Did I just get friend zoned? IN A VIDEO GAME? I had to make sure, so I sent MoonlightPanda a private message

Maxjlewis: want to fool around?
MoonlightPanda: yes ^-^
Maxjlewis: did you want to do it here or somewhere private?
MoonlightPanda: you decide ^-^
Maxjlewis: idm starting here… more exciting ;)
MoonlightPanda: go ahead ^-^

Foreplay is vital for any sexual adventure, so I proceeded through more of the animations in the couch menu with trepidation. I’ll spare you graphic descriptions of what unfolded, but know that it was badly animated and didn’t resemble anything close to real life. Each poorly rendered act sent pangs of, “Someone actually made this” into my brain, but I continued with morbid determination. After a few minutes, I was messaged again.

MoonlightPanda: need to pee…be back in a minute
Maxjlewis: take your time ;)

The other players had gone elsewhere, leaving HawkeyeNelson aka Deadpool to watch MoonlightPanda and I get it on. He began playing weird rap music while riding around on a bicycle, occasionally stopping to type graphic commentary on what he was seeing.

HawkeyeNelson: i love to watch

As things started heating up, MoonlightPanda sent me another message.

MoonlightPanda: honey, i need to cook my breakfast… take care of my avatar ^-^
Maxjlewis: of course ;)

We kept going as Deadpool continued riding his bike in a circle around us. I watched in abject horror as my virtual avatar had badly animated hanky panky with a nonexistent person while Deadpool watched and narrated while probably touching himself in real life. In a million years I could not have predicted what I was getting into when I booted up this hell game. This was easily the worst thing I had ever seen.

HawkeyeNelson: nice bounces moonlight

Other players began to filter in. With a captive audience including Deadpool, Ezio from ASSASSIN’S CREED and other bizarre avatars, I pressed the dreaded button that ended things with a bang.

HawkeyeNelson: there you go moonlight. you did that.

I logged off in utter shame before anyone said anything else to me. Many emotions, mostly ones of despair, swam around in my head as I uninstalled SECOND LIFE and wiped every trace of it from my computer. I had looked into the heart of darkness and tried to fuck it. What did I learn? I don’t know. But I came away with two pieces of knowledge: the beast with two backs has many badly animated forms in SECOND LIFE, and Deadpool is secretly one very nasty boy.

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