Illustrated: Don’t touch my hair


Words || Ilhan Abdi

Becky with the Good Hair

Beyonce, wordsmith and queen of shade, had everyone thinking it was a white woman that Old Man Jaykins cheated on her with when she dropped Lemonade. But really, good hair is straight, wavy or loosely curled textured natural hair on a black woman in comparison to the more tightly coiled afro-textured hair.
Becky’s whole personality revolves around her hair and It’ll be the first thing you find out about her.This is how a conversation with her would go:
You: Hi-
Becky [deranged]: Everyone thinks this isn’t my real hair but it is! I was born like this! It isn’t a weave or a wig! Sometimes I just HAAATE having such good hair. It’s so hard being pretty all the time!

Shut up girl and enjoy ur life with ur good hair privilege!

Keri and her daughter Amaya, with the cornrows

Keri here wants to know why her daughter’s school sent her home with a letter to put her hair in a more ‘appropriate’ style after she spent an afternoon braiding her daughter’s hair into her head – so she could look pretty for school. She’s got some questions;
Do they want Keri to spend every few months burning her daughters curls off with a chemical relaxer? Will you pay when she needs to nurse her hair back to health? Hmm?
And why is it that when famous people want a more edgy look (*cough* Kpop stars and white girls who just got back from a holiday in the Dominican Republic *cough*) they bastardise a style of hair to generally used to protect and stimulate hair growth in little girls? Please answer Keri’s questions. xx

Girlie with the 4c curls

Eyebags looking heavy, Girlie here was up all night moisturising those curls. Yesterday was wash day, and Girlie spent four hours last doing her hair because some Youtuber beauty guru told her too. Please stop watching Youtube tutorials babe, here is a simple recipe:
1- Brush your hair straight after the shower,
2- Spirit it with some coconut or olive oil,
3- Add a dash of leave in conditioner,
4- Tie it all up in a satin scarf or bonnet
You’re welcome xx

Lovely Locs

Contrary to popular belief she doesn’t need a combination of candle wax and superglue to keep these Dreads locked, her hair naturally does. Please for the love of God, stop telling her how you (non-black person) want to get dreads. While you’re at it, don’t ask her if she washes her hair because she’s got that routine to keep it clean. Can’t say the same about that local funky-looking white guy with dreads that look like the grinch’s fingers and smell like his asshole too.

Hijabi // Scarfie

Certified bad bitch. Probably a black belt who’ll kick your ass to the moon if you so much as hover near the hem of her hijab. Super cautious in Public, and doubly cautious when she’s black. Catch her standing at the back of the train platform in peak hours – to avoid evil fascists trying to push her in front of a moving train. A natural performer, she’ll often carry out impromptu performances in public bathrooms when she has to adjust or restyle her hijab in front of the gaping mouths of Susan’s and Helen’s… come on ladies just watch a hijab tutorial on youtube instead.

NOTE: Her hair is honestly none of your buuiiisness.