Illustrated: Aussie Anti-Cocktails


Illustrations || Daniel LimThe Stealin’ Stalin
Are you one of those meme communists? Are you also stingy as fuck? This beverage is perfect for you. Grab an unassuming mug and sneak around the party tipping small portions of everyone’s drink into your own; if you are questioned by someone you are mooching off, make a scene by calling them a filthy capitalist pig and squealing loudly like a disgruntled sow. Once you have gathered a full mug of shared goods shove it in the microwave for five and a half minutes. This will boil off any alcohol and leave a congealed shot of glucose syrup that will give you a sugar-high like no other. Enjoy, and don’t look at yourself in the mirror.

Party Mash
Every time the mum-friend of the party comes around with a platter of sausage rolls or party pies, graciously take one and sneak it into your pocket. After about thirty minutes your pockets should be bulging. Excuse yourself from whatever conversation and find the kitchen. Place the party pies and sausage rolls into the blender every rich family has. Mix in ¼ cup of water and 4/4 cup of tomato sauce (or ketchup if you’re a heathen). Blend for exactly 30 seconds – you want there to be plenty of lumps like that bubble tea the kids are so excited about. Drink it straight from the container while holding your nose and if anybody asks just say it’s a protein shake.

The ‘Hungry, Thirsty, Dead’
Raid the closest fridge for choccy milk. Shake it up and ignore the fact that manufacturers can hide bits of dung, mud and blood in there because of its convenient dark brown colouring. Add a dash of worcestershire sauce, a glob of vegemite, a fistful of crushed coco-pops, and shake. Strain the mixture through one of those black plastic cockroach bait things into the fanciest goblet you can find. Garnish with some roach legs you found under the fridge.

The ‘Hey Ya’
Grab a cocktail shaker. Raid your hipster friend’s bedroom for a stack of polaroids; it’s better if they’re developed so your friend can’t put them on instagram. Place the polaroids in a bowl, splash a bit of water and microwave for about 5 minutes (depending on the wattage of your microwave you may need more or less). Once the polaroids have melted and the chemicals are bubbling, carefully pour the contents of the bowl into the cocktail shaker. Add any ice-cold mixer and shake it, shake it, shake it, shake it, shake it. Serve and try to remember what makes love the exception.

Grab the nearest bottle of aerogard, preferably the tropical strength one (none of this odorless crap), and twist off the lid. You’ll need to collect and add to the bottle: the ashes of some poor quality burnt mosquito coils, the bloody remains of a little mozzie a friend slapped on their arm, and a dash of citronella oil. Twist the lid back on, give her a good shake and then enjoy spritzing the delicious liquid in the air then walking through it with your tongue hanging out; this is how to get the most of the mouth-watering aroma and taste.

Mummy’s Medicine Mule
Every night after putting up with yo shit all day, your mum always takes one of her fancy pills and falls asleep instantly. Sneak into her medicine cabinet and tip the whole bottle into your Shrek the 3rd soda cup; don’t worry, she won’t even notice they’re gone! She never notices anything you do anyway. We don’t want to end up in the land of nod though (Mum’s there unwinding and she definitely doesn’t want to see your snotty nose). So, add one of her Red Bulls she needs to be able to function every morning. Enjoy the paralysis down one side of your body!