EXCLUSIVE: Vandals paint poorly-executed murals in Student HQ office

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Words || Nikita Jones 

We definitely did not break in and finger-paint a bunch of anti-establishment murals in a foreclosed section of the Macquarie hub… But someone did.

I bet whoever did it thought they were being pretty sneaky when they met in the Grapeshot office at sundown with several bottles of $5 wine, two jumbo packs of Doritos, and a not-at-all suspicious looking bag of paints. The group allegedly traipsed down to the closed off section of the Macquarie hub with more blind luck than actual espionage skill and ‘busted’ open the building with a legitimate swipe card.

Their prime target? The old Grapeshot office – the once battle-ground of graduated heroes. The place had already been gutted by construction crews to make way for whatever corporate nonsense the Macquarie overlords are brewing up, but the mysterious vandals did manage to find a bunch of office supplies and a half-tub of ice-cream to aid their venture. Using an open binder as a ‘pallet’, a dry-erase marker for finer details, and a set of darts for some experimental splatter painting, they set about doing ‘art’.

‘Kraken Emerges from Macquarie Lake and Attacks Lighthouse Logo’, Acrylic on Concrete, 2017

It is quite clear, upon viewing the images, that the group of vandals included a handful of incredibly talented visual artists along with several finger-painting five-year-olds. An uncanny Donald Trump shouting ‘YUGE’, an artsy ibis sketch, and a gorgeous intergalactic portrait covered some of the walls. Others featured stick figures and the word ‘GRAPESHOT’ but with the last three letters really tiny because the ‘artist’ had run out of room. Perhaps crudest of all, someone had painted over the letters of the ‘CAMPUS ENGAGEMENT’ sign so that it spelt ‘CAMP GAY MEN’ – which is not at all hilarious.

Though an unlikely match, the Picassos and the kindergarteners apparently drank their way through several bottles of wine and a truth or dare session where someone may or may not have kissed a portrait of the Vice-Chancellor on the wet-painted lips. DNA testing is still in out determine suspects.

‘Cheap Cyndi Lauper Pun’, Fingerpaint on Plaster, 2017

Preliminary investigations by this very serious reporter have yet to turn up any suspects. However, several anonymous sources have confirmed that the mysterious bunch were evidently pretty fucking cool.

I mean, whoever decided to break in and cover the old Grapeshot office from floor to ceiling in murals of varying quality must have been really fun, weird, and amazing. But, in the words of Shaggy, it wasn’t me.