UNDERCOVER: How To Lose A Nazi In Five Emails

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Words || William Blazkowicz

Back when I was studying the rise of Hitler in Modern History, if you told me that in a number of years the exact same thing would be happening, I don’t think I could have comprehended it. Aside from a couple of nutjobs like the KKK, Nazism is dead, right?

Time, unfortunately, is a flat circle, and with a racist twistie in the White House, the degenerates who used to be too scared to voice their beliefs beyond ‘just a
joke, bro’ have come out of the sewers. Literal swastika stickers and horrific posters are cropping up in Unis and even high schools Australia-wide. I’m not going to give the ‘organisation’ behind the stickers a namedrop, so I’m referring to them as the National Doo-Doo Heads, or NDDH for short. I wanted to figure out exactly what they were about and how they recruited members, so naturally, I tried to join them.

I don’t know what it is with racists but they just don’t know how to design websites. They either look like someone’s first go at WordPress while on ketamine or a ten-year-old’s Geocities page from 1997. The NDDH HQ is the former, with the bizarre choice of monochrome palette and buttons that shake when you hover over them. The JOIN page insists you be physically fit, mentally sound, straight edge and, funnily enough, straight and white. Knowing that I’m unfit, mentally unwell, drink very often and am probably not straight, I thought I’d lost my chance, but I had one thing on my side – pale, dry, and retina-burning whiteness. I decided to go for it.

Hiding behind a VPN (with my proxy location set to Germany as a goof in case they tried to track me) I sent them an email. “I saw your posters around Macquarie and I was relieved to find people with similar beliefs,” I wrote. “I’m concerned with the amount of international students they are letting in, and wish to join the fight to prevent this.” This, of course, isn’t true, but I felt like it was a convincing argument a racist at Macquarie might spew out. I signed off as ‘Mark’ and my Nazi alter-ego was born.

A reply came back with disturbing speed and a list of rapid-fire questions with no email formalities. They ranged from the simple like “how long have been a nationalist? How would you describe yourself politically?” to the brazen “What do you think of Hitler and the Jews?” I was really in the shit now. I took time to reply, getting deep into Nazi forums to see how these buttholes speak. I even harked back to the unpleasant memories of high school modern history to remember key words of Hitler’s Philosophy.

Seemingly satisfied with my answers, the ominous game of Who Wants to Be A Nazi continued.

“What do you think of Donald Trump? What is your racial background? What National Socialist writings have you read?”

That last question was a doozy. Returning to the forums and making a mental note to search Youtube for a compilation of cute animals sneezing as a palette cleanser later, I found five (not counting the shit-opus Mein Kampf) choice nazi writings – some of them not bonafide Nazi, but placing a gross little toe on the line. Donald Trump? Well, he’s a modern day Hitler. At least we can agree on that.

The next email was short and to the point. “Here is a link to our discord, where you will be further vetted.” Discord is a chat app used by gamers so they can communicate while playing. Had I finally breached the inner sanctum?

Not quite, as it turns out. I was quarantined to the welcome room, unable to peer inside the other channels. Still, I could see how many members there were in the group – though not currently online – and, holy dumb fuck, it was more than I expected. Over 30 Nazis in this one virtual space. I was staring fixedly at this until I was moved without warning to a channel titled ‘Interview Room’. “We’ll have a voice chat at some point when we’re all free,” said the moderator who moved me. Dick-fucking-Christmas. An interview with a Nazi.

I was starting to worry – chat history showed these interviews went for an hour. I tried to stall. “I haven’t got a headset atm, sorry if that sounds like a poor excuse.”

“We can’t go any further until we have a voice chat.”

I briefly left the discord chat while I tried to wrangle a way to make my voice heard, only to find that the link shared to me in the email was, like my relationship with these suckbags, temporary.

“Can I get another link? The other one timed out,” read my hurried email to them.

“You’re still in the chat,” came the terse reply. “Just join again.”

“I opened the link in private browsing, so I can’t get back to it. Is there another way?”

Thus endeth my discourse with the Nazis. Maybe I was too technologically inept to be worthy. Perhaps they thought I was trying to share the private chat with outsiders. Its likely they caught on to the fact that I wasn’t, in fact, a piece of shit. Whatever the reason, they simply didn’t reply, leaving me to ponder on my brush with hate.

The experience left a bitter taste. Chatting with members hammered home that these aren’t just basement-dwellers shouting about Islam on the internet. They are real life people spreading propaganda and attempting to recruit numbers. If there’s one thing I urge you to take away from this piece, beyond the goofs, it’s that you absolutely cannot be complacent. Complacency is what led to millions of innocent people being slaughtered. If you see a poster, tear it the fuck down, and don’t repost it on the internet – that’s how these guys get airtime. If someone says something racist, even as a joke, even out of mere ignorance, challenge it. And if you see a Nazi, I can’t tell you to punch them but let’s just say I wouldn’t complain if a magical punch-like movement occurred in the vicinity of their face.