Illustrated: The Five People You Meet in Every Tutorial

0
726

Art || Paden Hunter

It’s like a sitcom, except none of the characters ever speak to each other, instead becoming quietly more and more frustrated as the semester drags on.

Lindsay the College Girl:

Somehow despite living ON campus, she always turns up to class fifteen minutes late with only a pencil. She’s the one who ran out of your Thursday 10am lecture to vomit. She’s also the one who turned up a tutorial at 2pm on a Friday blind drunk and painted green.

Tips:

– Go back to college with her and steal some fruit from their dining hall

– Don’t sit too close, she hasn’t done her washing in weeks

Phil the Geriatric:

That one ancient relic in your class who’s always questioning the lecturer because they lived and breathed the moments you’re currently learning in your medieval history unit. His ’04 PC is incompatible with iLearn and he’s taking it out on the rest of the class.

Tips:

– Ask if he can be your primary source for your final research project

– Direct him to AskMQ for his iLearn woes, they deserve each other

Josh the Lad:

The dude tapping away on his Macbook right up the front of the lecture theatre, screen brightness brighter than my future. It’d probably be forgivable if he was typing lecture notes but he’s got Youtube, Reddit, and Facebook open in separate windows and you can read his iMessage chat with The Boys from the back of the theatre.

Tips:

– Don’t read the group chat, it’s a dark place

– Buy some sunnies

Tash the Beauty Queen:

The walking Adidas product placement with the impeccably curled hair at 9am. You kind of want to hate her but the fact that she found time to wield a curling iron AND do her readings before turning up to class is downright admirable. Plus, she keeps answering the tutor’s questions so nobody else has to.

Tips:

– Worship at her goddamn perfectly white sneakers

– Ask for her notes

Kim/Karen/Kelly? The Tutor:

You think she’s the tutor? She seems nice but there’s been a student-lead tutorial every week and you’ve forgotten what her voice sounds like.

Tips:

– Nod when she nods and frown when she frowns, it might count for participation marks

– Don’t forget who she is and ask for her lecture notes, it probably won’t get you participation marks