To celebrate the release of the ‘Daddy’ issue, Grapeshot thought we’d kick off the university year with a bang by having the team answer the question: “If you had to pick an ideal ‘Daddy,’ who would it be?” Read up on the charms of Sir David Attenborough, the allure of the hunk who plays bass for Coldplay, and the status of having a crush on Roger Federer as coming-of-age rite.
Name: Angela Heathcote
Position: Editor In Chief
Daddy: Julia Gillard
“Easy. It’s the first female prime minister of Australia, the Honourable Julia Gillard because of her lack of “maternal instinct” and boss-queen childlessness.”
Name: Angus Dalton
Position: Deputy Editor
Daddy: Sir David Attenborough, OM CH CVO CBE FRS FRSB FLS FZS FSA
“Oh God, it’s an obvious choice (maybe?) but I can’t go past Sir David Attenborough, or as I like to call him, Daddy Nature. That man commentating a pack of African wild dogs pursuing an antelope fawn that’s been separated from its mother across the savannah is the most erotic thing I’ve seen since Cate Blanchett eyefucked the shit out of Rooney Mara for 120 minutes in Carol. Even for 90 he’s a strapping fellow, and if you’ve ever watched the behind the scenes of one his docos you know his banter is on fucking point. He’s a hero for the reef, an icon of conservation; he’s a goddamn actual knight and CAN YOU IMAGINE THE PHONE SEX. Oh my god. We could make a sex tape, then he could commentate that sex tape, sell it to the BBC and we’d both end up millions of dollars richer. And then we’d use those millions to invest in renewable energy, thereby halting the skyrocketing temperatures of the Earth, preserving our precious ecosystems and by extension, saving humanity. Name a more iconic duo. I’ll wait.”
Name: Emma Harvey
Position: Features Editor
Daddy: The Dad From Kim Possible
“As if Kim Possible didn’t have the most enviable adolescence already (A-student, head-cheerleader, crime-fighter, the ability to pull off cargo pants), her gene pool was also the stuff of dreams. I’m looking at you Dr James Possible, you goddamn Disney dreamboat. I didn’t have PayTV growing up, but my grandparents did. And if I asked nicely when I came over after piano lessons on Thursdays, sometimes they would let me watch Kim Possible for half an hour. A strong female lead was one thing, but a DILF whose disappointed-face was half pout, half smoulder? Sold. James Possible’s jawline is so sharp it’s a literal line. 2-dimensions will do that. And that single streak of grey in his hair put the ‘sigh’ in rocket scientist. All I can say is that Dolly and Girlfriend magazines were missing the mark in 2008, with their pull-out posters of Rob Pattinson and Chris Brown (like, really missed that mark) – all I needed for my teenage bedroom wall was a glossy double spread of James Possible in all his Disney daddy glory.”
Name: Alicia Scott
Position: News Editor
Daddy: Cate Blanchett
“My daddy would have to be Cate Blanchett. We’re talking, I’m Therese in ‘Carol’ and Blanchett whisks me off my feet, takes me on a road trip to the Midwest to escape heteronormativity and absolutely fucks with my life in a good way.”
Name: Nikita Jones
Position: Regulars Editor
Daddy: Roger Federer
“If nobody has picked Federer yet, I’m picking Federer. He’s the clear choice here. Falling in love with Roger Federer is a sign of growing up. It’s kind of like you invest in a decent pair of slacks and then all of a sudden, you’re envisioning the God of Tennis whipping up some muesli and yogurt for breakfast in your sprawling Swiss Villa. As he leans over the island breakfast bar to kiss your cheek, you hear children’s voices outside; your three perfect kids have been awake for hours now practicing endlessly on the tennis court in a vain attempt to ever emerge from their father’s shadow.
Anyway, the point is the guy was doing nothing for me back when Taylor Lautner was relevant and now that I’ve moved out of home I just can’t help admiring that sculpted, Gillette™ jawline. Also, he does not sweat. He’s five sets in on a 35-degree day and there’s not a single droplet running down his face. It’s impeccable.”
Name: Shinae Taylor
Position: Marketing Director
Daddy: Mark Ruffalo
“I don’t think I’ve ever actually vocalised my love for Mark Ruffalo before, but he is definitely worthy of ‘daddy’ title. He’s an actor with a passion for environmental activism. He’s pro-LGBT and is a self-proclaimed feminist, even recounting his mother’s harrowing illegal abortion tale at pro-choice events. As if his heart of gold wouldn’t totally win you over, Mark is a total hottie, with his soft brown eyes and luscious dark locks.
Mark Ruffalo seems to walk the line between Hollywood dreamboat daddy and socially woke internet activist. He’s also super savvy and uses his tumblr account to promote his social causes. Plus, Mark is a totally loving and dedicated husband and father to his three kids. He loves cooking for his wife and three children and his favourite food to cook is eggplant parmigiana. Yummy!”
Name: Tess Connery
Position: Campus News Editor
Daddy: Guy Berryman
“If you’ve spoken to me in person about basically anything ever, you may have noticed that I manage to slip my undying love for Coldplay into way too many conversations. Now, Chris Martin is definitely a solid 10, but he’s not the focus of this piece. Enter: Guy Berryman. The bassist of the greatest band to have ever lived is the one who has had my heart ever since I thought slogan tees were the height of fashion (oh come on, we’ve all been there). During live shows, even Chris Martin himself introduces Guy as “the handsome one” – seriously, google a picture of the man, he’s too pretty to be real.
You may or may not remember, but Coldplay came through Sydney back in December, and you can bet your sweet bippy that I went. I found myself right next to the B-Stage, and for three glorious songs, I was less distance than the beep test away from this actual angel. So there’s that. You’re all invited when we eventually get married.”
Name: Cameron Colwell
Position: Online Editor
Daddy: Colin Firth, but, like, only in A Single Man
“Despite being a longtime fan of Lana Del Rey, I never had an inclination towards older men, and therefore didn’t have much in the way of attraction to daddies. Such was the case until Tom Ford’s groundbreaking drama art film, A Single Man, about a gay man in the 1960s mourning the death of his lover. Dreamily lit and gorgeously choreographed, the film also features Colin Firth as the bereaved English professor. Firth’s character is charming, literary, and also centre of an aesthetically perfect film with equal doses of sensual melancholy and tasteful, strings-soundtracked homoeroticism – What else could I ask for in a man?”
If you’re loving Grapeshot Online, don’t forget to come to Daddy’s official launch party next Monday. It’s at Ubar at 4:30pm, and there will be drink vouchers, temporary tats, and bangers.