Breakup Advice from Perez Hilton

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Hi Perez,

I have recently broken up with my boyfriend of two years, and I’m having difficulty putting it behind me. My friends think I need to give the relationship a mourning period. What do you think?

– Brianna

EXCLUSIVE! Grapeshot reader, Brianna, desperate and ‘broken’ following split from ex-partner. Will she ever find love again?!

Ahem. Sorry, it’s a reflex.

Now, Brianna, back to the question at hand, and holy guacamole, is it a doozy! First of all, don’t listen to what your friends are saying, some people just like to blast hot air. People used to say that it was impossible for me as a gay man to objectify women, but you know what? I proved them wrong. The question you should be asking here is not when to move on, but how? I mean, there are literally so many ways you can go with this, so I suggest you do what I do when I’m trying to figure out a course of action – look to the stars.

Celebs break up and hook up all the time and, as a person who makes bank off the public’s unhealthy obsession with vilifying them, I can point you in the right direction to handle this breakup like a star.

In this situation, Twitter is your tool. If the breakup is still fairly fresh, make sure to give your Twitter followers and close friends a quick heads up about the demise of your relationship, preferably something cryptic and ominous like ‘it’s about to go down’ with skull emojis for subtle emphasis. Then, since you’re running with the Calvin Harris theme, spill the tea in a series of tweets and delete them within the hour, unfollow your ex-boo and delete all your most-liked couple photos. Or, if you think the other side of this cataclysmic divide is more your style, take a leaf from Taylor’s book and move on immediately with the next highest profile UK star you can get your hands on, then flood everyone’s news feeds with your extremely public dating life. Once you’ve dated fifteen more guys your ex will be a distant memory, right Tay Tay?

Alternatively, you can wait to see what your ex does and base your next move on that. If, for example, he steps straight into the newest power couple complete with a celeb-style portmanteau you should take the opportunity to go full retro Jen Aniston, and binge-eat carbs in a tight dress; nothing steals the spotlight like a pregnancy rumour. Or, take Amber Rose as your inspiration and share the private details of your former love life on Twitter.

If he liked butt-stuff while you were together, this is your golden opportunity to share that information with the world. Even if you haven’t got any dirt to dredge up ‘a friend close to the source’ is a handy get-out-of-jail for just making crap up.

Anyway, whichever method you choose, once you decide to move on to the next guy, be sure to let me know. I’ll be more than happy to take some ‘candid’ snaps of you two on the beach and caption them in Microsoft Paint.

Exclusively,

Perez

Words || Nikita Jones

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