Takeaway Isn’t A Dish Best Served Cold

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challange

WORDS || Vanessa Capito

So before we get started, I just have to start off by saying that I totally flunked. Yes, I failed this challenge, but with all due respect, it was by far the toughest, and grossest one yet. ‘More than dumpster diving?’ I hear you ask. Yes. ‘More than spilling your period blood on you because you thought it was a good idea to stick a cup up inside your bits?’ Yes. Attempting to survive off leftover fast-food is awful. Hot fries>cold fries.

When I agreed to do this, I’ve got to say I clearly had no idea what I was getting myself into. I really didn’t think it was going to be as bad as it was. I thought, ‘Hey, a day old cheeseburger can’t be that bad. I can do this for two days man, totally’.

But boy, how wrong I was.

***

THE BEGINNING

It was Sunday night and I had just gone out for pizza and on the way home I stopped off at the drive-thru Maccas at Darling Harbour and picked myself up a cheeseburger meal with a Coke. In hindsight, I wished I’d gotten a happy meal because at least I would’ve gotten a free toy with it :’( When I got home, I popped it in the fridge thinking “Ha, this is going to be a breeze, I love McDonald’s.” I’d also asked my brother to pick me up some KFC on his way home too so I could eat that for lunch. I was so organised.

When I woke up I was ready, hungry and excited to start this challenge. I got my little baggie from the fridge, my coke too, and while my mum was like, “What the hell are you doing?”, I sat down and laid my brekkie out on the table. I mean, to be honest, before I’d even tried it I was kind of like, gross but I thought it would just taste like a cold burger or something. And while the thought of heating it up had crossed my mind, the idea of reheating Maccas meat which had probably already been reheated at some point freaked me out and the chef in me was screaming “FOOD POISONING”.  So I left it cold.

I started with a few chips, and this is where things started to fall apart. They were so fucking gross, like a thawed out hashbrown or cold potato or something, which I guess is what they were before they were cooked so the fact that they tasted like that cold, kind of made sense. It bummed me out hard and I was super reluctant to eat the burger, but I was so hungry I didn’t have much of a choice. It was weird holding a cold burger, but when I took a bite, it wasn’t that bad, really. I thought to myself “Thank God because I cannot eat those chips”. It just tasted like the normal burger, but cold, and hard. But then the aftertaste, oh my God, the aftertaste was the worst. Worse than the chips. It tasted like that taste you get in your mouth when you’re super hungover and you’ve had Maccas the night before and you haven’t brushed your teeth. It tasted like that (assuming you’ve all been there, but maybe I’m just a gross bitch who doesn’t brush her teeth twice a day, soznotsoz). Basically, it tasted like a hangover. Who knew that was even possible?

I wanted to cry. This was the saddest meal I’d ever eaten. And one time I made rice with one fried egg on top with sriracha and a slice of cheese because I was so poor. What the hell had I gotten myself into? I drunk my flat coke and thought, how the fuck can I make this better?

*Has light bulb moment*

Condiments!

I grabbed the honey-mustard from my fridge and put it on the burger with every bite I took. I wish I could say this made it all okay but it only masked the taste of the burger and chips. I don’t think I’ll ever taste honey-mustard the same way again. I got through all the fries, but could only handle about half of the burger.

I was done.

***

THE MIDDLE

I went to uni after I had breakfast, and I parked in the Woolies carpark. I was still so hungry. This was when things started to fault; I got a Powerade, because I figured it would give me energy because that’s what it’s meant to do or something, plus, I figured having liquids that weren’t leftovers wouldn’t count as cheating, right?

With one Powerade down I was back at home and was starving. I couldn’t have been more hungry. I’ve actually heard from people that leftover KFC chicken is the bomb, and it’s chicken, not a burger, so it really couldn’t be that bad. Certainly not any worse than the burger. Fuck you, McDonalds.

Anyway, I got the KFC box out of the fridge and thank God there was coleslaw because that’s totally not even a leftover thing. I hit the jackpot with that one. I had one chip and it was the same as the Maccas ones. I was disappointed, but not completely disheartened. I moved on to the chicken. The fried batter stuff had gone soggy, but it still tasted the same, which was great, really great. I ate the chicken, because it actually tasted normal and kind of good. I totally get why people love leftover KFC chicken now. I feel your vibes people! I feel ‘em! At that point I was just so grateful for edible food that I finished it all, including the coleslaw, but not the chips, gross.

***

THE END

After the KFC, I kind of knew the challenge was over. My organisation had gone to shit and I didn’t have any more leftovers, except three-day old pasta, plus I had to go into work, and if I had’ve brought my leftovers of the fast-food variety, I would’ve copped so much shit. So that was a no-go. I thought about buying some Pizza Hut and trying that because leftover pizza is always good but I didn’t, mainly because I was being selfish and wanted real food so I just gave up then and there.

My mini-Supersize Me challenge was over, thank God. I have no idea how on Earth that guy survived on Maccas for as long as he did. I learnt that leftovers can be good, and in any other instance, where they’re actual leftovers, not bought the night before to eat the next day, they can save you a bit of money. But not if they’re from McDonalds. No way. If that’s the case, they’ll just leave you sad and empty inside, binging on blue Powerade. Not cool guys, not cool.

Please don’t try this at home.