A Spiritual Guide to Taking the Piss

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takingpiss

WORDS || Anna Glen

As the year comes to a close for Grapeshot, we draw our attention to the hard questions liquor in life and get spiritual.
We sought guidance from bottle shop personnel on what your spirit says about you and did some research on the true tradition behind that consumption.

Just remember on every spiritual journey, what is inside us, will change our reality.
~ Plutarch, c. AD 46 – AD 120

tequila

TEQUILA

“Usually youthful boys out at a party. SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS.
Or housewives preparing margaritas for the gals”

Tequila is a regional spirit and made from ‘blue agave’, a plant found around the area of Tequila in Mexico. Rich in tradition, the Agave Landscape is UNESCO protected because tequila has been produced there since the sixteenth century. What is not traditional is the worm found in the bottle of some ‘Tequila’ brands, nor is the worm hallucinogenic – it is just a marketing ploy. Sorry.

In Australia, tequila is traditionally consumed in the latter part of the evening when 45mL of liquid comes with a seven-dollar plus price tag, some salt, and an old lime seems reasonable because you’re really paying for the ‘moment’. Also for the housewives of Australia who are internally thinking SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS but need to keep up appearances and opt for a margarita instead.

Cocktails using tequila:

Long island ice tea: ½ oz gin, ½ oz vodka, ½ oz rum, ½ tequila, ½ triple sec, 1 oz sweet and sour mix, 6 oz cola. 

Tequila Sunrise: 1 ½ oz Tequila, ½ oz Grenadine syrup, 3 oz orange juice. 

Margarita: 2 oz Tequila, 1 oz Lime juice, 1 oz Cointreau.

 

whisky

WHISKY/EY

“Whisky is for “cultured” spirit drinkers –
not whiskey though – that’s for degenerates”

The difference between whisky and whiskey is that the former applies to Scottish, and therefore ‘real’ whisky, and the latter refers to Irish or American liquors.

Generally consumed straight, whisk/ey is a popular choice for heavy drinkers. If you drink whisky, you probably have manners. Whiskey drinkers on the other hand are fighters and can turn angry drunk very quickly. So beware.

Cocktails using whiskey: 

Whiskey sour: 1 oz lemon juice, ½ Gomme Syrup, 1 dash egg white, 1 ½ whiskey. 

Pickleback: 1 ½ oz whiskey, 1 ½ oz pickle juice.

Blood and Sand: ¾ oz Blended Scotch, ¾ oz sweet vermouth, ¾ oz Cherry Heering, ¾ oz Blood orange juice.

vodkaVODKA

“A girl’s drink. To get drunk”

Vodka was invented in the fifteenth century roughly eight thousand years later than wine. Colloquially known as the ‘vodka wars’, its production methods and place of origin have been subject to great debate.  Traditionalists from the ‘Vodka belt’ (e.g. Poland, Ukraine, Russia, Belarus) argue that vodka brands in the EU should be restricted to products made from grain, potatoes and sugar beet molasses. The US, which uses largely non-traditional means, reject this and have threatened to take the matter to World Trade Organisation if its products are expelled from the EU.

In Australia, the great debate is whether the vodka at Bar Century and Star Bar is watered down. Either way, three dollar mixed drinks in Sydney’s CBD? Amiright?! Usually consumed in the form of a vodka cranberry by people who are in designated ‘going out’ clothing. Bros may opt for a vodka red bull instead. Both beverages are socially unacceptable for consumption after the age of twenty-one.

Cocktails using whiskey: 

Whiskey sour: 1 oz lemon juice, ½ Gomme Syrup, 1 dash egg white, 1 ½ whiskey. 

Pickleback: 1 ½ oz whiskey, 1 ½ oz pickle juice.

Blood and Sand: ¾ oz Blended Scotch, ¾ oz sweet vermouth, ¾ oz Cherry Heering, ¾ oz Blood orange juice.

cognac

COGNAC

“Is meant to be like the number one gangsta drink,
like you drink Cognac if you started from the bottom now u here. 2Pac’s preference.”

Cognac is a type of brandy that is derived from the French town Cognac, and must comply with certain production methods set down by French authorities.

As a beverage of high sophistication, the spirit was traditionally an after dinner tipple consumed by the cigar-chomping Joe Hockeys of this world. In an unlikely culture clash, American rap stars have embraced Cognac as part of the ‘bling’ culture that thrives off ostentatious wealth and high luxury items. This peaked in 2001 when the Busta Rhymes and Diddy hit ‘Pass the Courvoisier’ resulted in a thirty per cent increase of Cognac sales in the US. Then, in 2009 Kanye West was filmed downing a bottle of Hennessey on the red carpet shortly before his notorious Taylor Swift mic grab.

Thus, this spirit is most appropriately consumed when your Centrelink payment/weekly paycheck has just come through – and you’re falsely thinking I’M RICH. May also be consumed when planning an ultimate public sass.

Cocktails using Cognac: 

Straight: 750 mL Cognac 

French 125: 2 oz brandy, 2 oz sweet and sour mix, chilled Champagne, 1 sliced lemon.

The Belclare: 1 ½ oz Cognac, ¾ oz grapefruit liqueur, ½ oz white crème de cacao liqueur, ¼ oz. Absinthe, 1 oz freshly squeezed lemon juice

gin

GIN

“Anybody buying Bombay Sapphire, Tanqueray or Hendricks’s gin thinks they’re
classy and a bit of an intellectual. Whether they actually are or not is questionable”

Ye ol’ England often springs to mind when one thinks of gin, but the spirit actually has its origins in Holland. The English discovered gin in the seventeenth century after seeing the Dutch drink it in the Thirty Year War to boost morale before going into battle, thus inspiring the term ‘Dutch Courage’.

Therefore, when in need of a bit of liquid courage, gin is an historically appropriate choice. Most gin drinkers probably claim to know this fact, as they tend to be armchair historians and or philosophers.

Cocktails using gin: 

Bees Knees: 2 oz gin, ¾ oz lemon juice, honey syrup, 1 lemon twist.

Gimlet: 1 ¼ oz gin, 1 oz lime juice, 1 lime twist. 

 Gin & Tonic: 2 oz gin, 5 oz tonic water, 1 lime wedge.